On the Fringes of Happiness: Stop Doing That, Start Doing This
If you could just meet the right person… move to the city where you really belong… lose 15 pounds… land your dream gig… make more money… get more clients… have a baby… finish that novel… afford a trip to Fiji… make time for cardio… look like Gisele (or Tom)… cut out sugar… eat more veggies… speak more languages… figure out your purpose… renovate that bathroom you’ve been talking about fixing up for years…
Then, you’d really be happy.
Only one small caveat: None of that is true. It’s just nature’s subtle little trick to keep us from settling. To keep us progressing. To evolve beyond the status quo.
Which is all good and well – at least to a certain extent. And especially so for our ancestors. Wanting more kept them striving and finding fulfillment beyond hunting and gathering or toiling in the hot agricultural sun all day.
It led to some life-changing and life-saving innovations. It made everyday life comfortable, and eventually, often luxurious for the masses.
But for most of us modern people, especially Westerners living above the poverty level, this little trick has a downside. And the immense power of the individual to control her/his own fate can make it all the more cumbersome.
"Even the freedom we value so highly may be working against us. We can choose our spouses, friends, and neighbors, but they can choose to leave us. With the individual wielding unprecedented power to decide her own path in life, we find it ever harder to make commitments. We thus live in an increasingly lonely world of unravelling communities and families.
-Bestselling author Yuval Harari, Sapiens
Just Keep Spinning, Just Keep Spinning
It keeps us right on the fringes of happiness. So close, yet so far away. Stuck on the hamster wheel. Trying to get ahead in the rat race of capitalism. Obediently and obsessively chasing the dreams we’ve been force-fed our whole lives. Forgetting the ones we dreamt all on our own in that blissful unadulterated innocence of childhood.
Thinking we’re moving forward, but mostly just spinning along, helplessly propelled by the centripetal force of advertising and marketing. Letting media and mega corporations brainwash us into believing what they say we need to be happy.
So onwards we spin – into dizzying cycles of tragedy and triumph. Acquiring more things and seeking out new experiences. We speed full steam ahead only to end up back where we were.
“Well, the universe is shaped exactly like the earth. If you go straight long enough, you’ll end up where you were.” – Modest Mouse
Our highs from the successes eventually leveling back to normal. Then there we are — feeling the same old feelings. Ending up right back where we were: right on the fringes of happiness.
We make more money and we spend more money. We complete a to-do list and make another.
We get a good job, a few years later, we want a better job. We get a nice car, but a few months later, our neighbor gets a nicer car – so we want an even nicer car.
We hit our goal weight, but our workout buddy lost more. We’re happy with our partner… until our friends, colleagues, acquaintances, and strangers start posting their Hallmark movie lives online every day.
We graduate with honors, but our best friend just finished her PhD. We love our beautiful and carefully curated homes, until we’re accidentally drunk binge watching HGTV in the middle of a global pandemic.
We’re proud of our children, but Karen’s son just got a full-ride scholarship to an Ivy League school…
The Cost of Chasing Happiness
Meanwhile, 1 out of 10 Americans are taking antidepressants and suicide is the second leading cause of death for Americans aged 10-34 and the fourth leading cause of death for ages 35-54.
What the heck is going on?!
Most of our lives, at least objectively, are AMAZING if you compare them to the lives led by our ancestors hundreds of years ago.
But happiness is only objective on a very basic level. Once we have the most fundamental of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs – food, water, shelter, and security – happiness becomes a more subjective matter.
That’s why money can bring happiness, but only up to about $75,000. Technically more like $95k when you factor in “ ‘life evaluation’, which takes into account long-term goals, peer comparisons and other macro-level metrics,” according to research published in the journal Nature Human Behavior.
Which is perfect segue into an important observation Harari discusses in Sapiens.
“But the most important finding of all is that happiness does not depend on objective conditions of either wealth, health, or even community. Rather, it depends on the correlation between objective conditions and subjective expectations.
...being satisfied with what you already have is far more important than getting more of what you want."
This is basically a Buddhist philosophy. The notion that desire creates suffering. Thus, the only way to truly end one’s suffering is to end one’s endless wanting. A tall order in this materialistic world.
What Would Aristotle Do?
Aristotle has another interesting theory on happiness too. According to him, happiness is about living well (more on what that means here). And that “happiness” is ultimately manifested as the supreme good, and should be our supreme goal.
Aristotle would argue that happiness is synonymous with living well for the sake of living well – finding a way to channel our daily activities into some sort of purposeful series of events that ultimately contribute to a virtuous livelihood.
In achieving resources, health, and wealth we will inevitably stumble into happiness if we are able to make tough decisions about how to best use those things. Those that are able to fight the urge to indulge in instant gratification in exchange for long-term successes will inevitably he happier than those stumbling into the debilitating and predictably cyclical nature of addicts on a path defined by need and relief. A path plagued by an exponential diminishing of one’s physical, financial, and emotional well-being. This is true of the addicts and their loved ones.
If we overlap the common themes of these ideologies — Harari’s, Buddha’s, and Aristotle’s — a new paradigm emerges.
One where living well for the sake of living well IS the goal and source of peace and contentment in spite of hardships vs. living well for the sake of fulfilling all our expectations of living a blemish free fairytale happily-ever-after.
For example: perhaps we shouldn’t be acquiring resources and getting healthy just because that increases our odds of attracting a mate. Although, it is true that those things will increase one’s chances of finding a compatible mate, having those expectations based only one one’s objective reality is a recipe for disappointment and suffering should one still not find a mate.
The trouble area is that “correlation between objective conditions and subjective expectations” discussed in Harari’s book.
If one could just be happy with her/his success in acquiring resources and living healthily, chances are that this “good” and happy person would find ways to re-allocate her/his resources in a way that benefited others besides her/himself.
It wouldn’t necessarily matter if one of these beneficiaries was a mate or not. But — just by living well in this generous manner — chances are, she/he would likely attract a mate without even trying.
(Enter cliché about your vibe attracting your tribe.)
Additionally, one shouldn’t have a goal of acquiring a mate merely for superficial reasons or to keep up with the Joneses: i.e. buying a big, beautiful home one can scarcely afford, having 2.5 healthy, happy kids, and a couple cats or dogs frolicking out in the yard.
Do This, Not That
To be happy, we don’t need to reach our goal weight or marry our high school sweetheart.
Sure, those things can be part of happiness if you are – through meeting your goal weight – inspiring good health habits in others that will increase and enhance physical well-being for yourself and others.
As Winston Churchill once said, “Healthy citizens are the greatest asset any country can have.”
Health can be an important and virtuous goal, but it can also be a breeding ground for obsessive thoughts, anxiety, vanity, and dejection for those doing it to “compete with the Joneses” versus doing it for the sake of well-being, or for the intrinsic good in it, alone.
And sure, if – through that aforementioned marriage – you’re able to experience and inspire the love of true friendship defined by Aristotle as “reciprocated goodwill”… And if you truly love that other person for that person’s own sake, and not merely to fulfill your own egocentric needs…
Well then that should inevitably make you exponentially happier than spending your life, spinning along a maddening carousel of romantic relationships with their cyclical highs and lows, coming and going, chasing the elusive perfect partner… weaving a complicated web of unrealistic expectations, sadness, regret, heartbreak, betrayal, and abandonment for not only yourself, but your ex lovers and their future relationships (and subsequently those new partners’ future partners, on and on…)
Romantic love can be as addicting as anything else.
Turns out, happiness is a bit counterintuitive to our competitive, ego-driven, individualistic Western mindsets.
And while success is a key part of happiness, that doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be a chief surgeon, CEO, or famous influencer with millions of followers.
Happiness means that, whatever it is you’re doing in life, you’re doing it with passion and are mindful of ethics.
From our interactions with a grocery store clerk to our families, friends, and strangers… we would all be a lot happier if those simple interactions were rooted with a more deliberate sense of kindness and genuine empathy. Happiness is defined by a virtuous, kind, brave, just, and generous spirit.
It may be enhanced or hindered by – but never defined by – our jobs, our relationships, addresses, or possessions.
